capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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