Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
not ubering you a puppy
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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