Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
