3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
