"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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