I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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