Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
you had me at cake vodka
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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