you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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