Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My breasts were aching with rage.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
