Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
