Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
