apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
