First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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