He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
