There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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