I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
