Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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