Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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