Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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