I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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