i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
