I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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