The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
