if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
