Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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