that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
