I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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