I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
