I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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