I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
