First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
