Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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