dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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