I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
