Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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