Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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