a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
