maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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