The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
