finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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