Plan B is the new Plan A
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
