Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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