My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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