If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
