my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
