ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize