At least make sure they are 18
Why
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I AM VODKA MAN
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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