sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize