I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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