Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
