I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize