i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
