I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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