I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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