so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
