dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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