Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The dick lei will go down in squad history
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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