Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
