Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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