First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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