My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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