FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
