having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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