You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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